How to Cope or Fall Apart

Dear Whoever is out there,

This past week has been one of the hardest of my life. When my dad went into the hospital I had no idea that we would not only be told that he was in Heart Failure but that he was also in Multi Organ Failure. Nothing in life can prepare you for hearing that your parent may die. M world started spinning and yet I had to remain strong for those who depended on me. The phone calls started going out, first my Younger Brother Thomas who was one of the reasons my father was taken by ambulance to the hospital, then I moved down the line. As I was making the calls my heart was heavy wondering how I would tell my 5 year old niece if her grandfather had passed away. Adults, teens, I can convey to them if he passed away but my innocent 5 year niece who was her Grandfather's Chocolate Chip! How do you do it. But also, how does one go on when a piece of their heart has been ripped out and can never be replaced? I took the remainder of the week off because I knew I could not mentally focus or truly dedicate myself to my job the way I should. The first day after hearing that he may not make it I came home from a doctors appointment and just curled up into a ball on the couch. I cried and I slept and then I zoned out and then cried some more. That night I talked to my older sister on the phone and when we hung up I set my phone down and one of mine and my dad's songs started to play: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1bFr2SWP1I

Somewhere over the Rainbow! 

I started to have a panic attack and kept repeating, " No, you cannot be gone. This cannot be the sign that you're gone. I need you to stay alive, I need you Daddy." With tears streaming down my face and a full blown panic attack, there I sat on my bed rocking myself back and forth while our song played. My boyfriend Matt came home from work in the middle, came into the bedroom and just wrapped his arms around me. He told me it was all going to be alright and to just breath. About an hour later my Dad called me, even though still a bit incoherent he told me he loved me and then went back off into his dreamland. The limbo of not knowing what exactly is going on it much more tough than I could of imagined. Even though I worked in Elder Care for 5 years and worked with many families nothing truly prepares you to go through this type of experience with your own loved one. 

As of now my Dad's stats are holding stable, his heart has been working at 15%, his kidneys have started to function again and our hopes are that he continues to improve. I have a Christmas light in my Livingroom that says, "Believe" and even though I did not turn them on and it is running off of batteries it has been going strong for the last 6 days. Every time I have felt myself falling into a very dark place I would look up and see this sign still illuminated and remind myself to just......

Below is a letter to my Dad <3 

____________________________________________

 Dad,

 This letter is a Thank you for all that you have taught me in life. This letter is to tell you how much I Love You. This letter is to tell you how much I miss you and just wish I could give you a hug right now. (Thank you COVID for preventing that) (Wear a mask, wash your damn hands, social distance!!!) 

My love of Cooking, my love of music, my love of all things Irish.... Dad you taught me that even when life gets rough you can always look at the bright side and laugh... Remember, You're just my same old goofy dad!! 

We have so many fun stories to share, like the time you taught me to drive when I was 13 in an empty parking lot. I really loved all of our early morning fishing trips as a family, when  we would stop for donuts and chocolate milk and it was always an adventure on where we were going. Lets talk about all the times you played Santa at our family holiday gatherings and made my love of Christmas even greater. Or the fun swimming hole we found with Andrea and Devin. Even though it was embarrassing it was still fun to have you drop me off at school and blare your music so loud and you danced as I left the car. 

I know things were not always easy and I know that you fought the best you knew how to. Thank you for all of the conversations and advice over the years. For helping me find the positive even though I know you were in pain or having a hard time yourself. 

I love you beyond words and hope that one day you can walk me down the aisle and eventually meet my children. You mean so much to me and I cannot imagine not having you to talk to. 

From your Loving Daughter,

Chrissy 

From California to Seattle

 I am so beyond excited to start this new journey. I will be moving to Washington state at the end of August and couldn't be more thrilled. While I definitely battled with the idea of moving out of state and away from all of my family and friends I will have a core group of people. Plus, that's why they have FaceTime, Airplanes, Cars & Trains. This adventure was brought about by one of my best friends Sarah and her husband Robert.

Some background story: I have known S&R for 11 years now. Sarah and I became roomies a week after I graduated high school. She was one of my aunts students who needed a roommate and my Aunt felt I'd be a good match. We hit it off instantly and while we have had some rocky times we have been there for each other through the Good, Bad & Ugly. 5 1/2 years ago while we were still living in Sacramento Robert got accepted into UC Santa Cruz. I came home from work one evening and they sat me down for a convo. Well not really, they basically said Robert got accepted to UCSC so they were moving to Santa Cruz and I had no choice but to move too. Who was I to turn down moving to the beach? It had always been a dream of mine to live near the ocean. My heart & soul feel complete when I am near the ocean. So of course I jumped at the opportunity to adventure somewhere new and make a fresh start. While Santa Cruz has been good to me it has never truly felt like home. It has been a great place for me to land and know what it was like to live a distance from my Family and Friends. I still feel it was somehow orchestrated for me to move here as preparation for something greater.

Flash forward 4 1/2 years later and I find out R is looking at potential jobs in Seattle and they are looking to make the move. They were filled with excitement as they told me of their new possibilities and then asked if I would like to go along as well. OF COURSE I SAID YES!!! But not before I really dug deep and had back and forth conversations with myself about whether or not this move was truly going to be good for me and if I could really handle moving out of state.

R got the job he was waiting for in Seattle and has already moved up and gotten settled into his new routine. Over the last month I have been packing up my apartment and moving things into a storage unit. My landlords were gracious enough to allow me to move out at the end of July but they will be able to flip that apartment easily and make even more then what I was paying. It really is a win/win situation. Moving gives me the chance to shed some of the old to make way for the new. We have a lot of fun things still planned for our time here in Santa Cruz before we make our trek up north at the end of August. Until then, I will keep a level and calm head and prepare for something greater that is coming my way.

xo ~ Chrissy

Diabetes Awareness

November is Diabetes Awareness Month for those living with Type 1 Diabetes, and even though I have Type 2 Diabetes I still feel it is a topic that many people need to be educated on. It can become quite frustrating to hear many people say, "oh well you should just loose weight" or "maybe you should lay off the sugar".

 REALITY CHECK - Diabetes is NOT caused by Sugar Intake, in fact Type 1 Diabetes is a chronic condition that is caused by the Pancreas producing little to no insulin at all. Type 2 Diabetes is caused because your body either doesn't produce enough insulin or it is insulin resistant. Now lets break down a little bit more knowledge about each.

Type 1 Diabetes: "A condition characterized by high blood glucose levels caused by a total lack of insulin. Occurs when the body's immune system attacks the insulin-producing beta cells in the pancreas and destroys them. The pancreas then produces little or no insulin. Type 1 Diabetes develops most often in young people but can appear in adults." (1.)

What is Blood Glucose: The main sugar found in the blood and the body's main source of energy.

Insulin: A hormone that helps the body use glucose for energy. The beta cells of the pancreas make insulin. When the body cannot make enough insulin, it is taken by injection or through the use of an insulin pump.

There are many aspects to living with Type 1 Diabetes. You have your medication management (Insulin), Exercise, Nutrition as well as Emotional support from those closest to you. Type 1 Diabetes affects those of all ages from New Born to Elderly.


Type 2 Diabetes: A chronic condition that affects the way the body processes blood sugar (glucose). 

"More common in adults, Type 2 Diabetes increasingly affects children as childhood obesity increases. There's no cure for Type Diabetes, but you may be able to manage the condition by eating well, exercising and maintaining a healthy weight. If diet and exercise aren't enough to manage your blood sugar well, you also may need diabetes medications or insulin therapy."  (2.)

There are many symptoms, causes and  risk factors when it comes to Type 2 Diabetes. I encourage everyone to educate themselves and to get screened if you feel you may have Type 2 Diabetes.


Something that really grinds my gears are the jokes that are constantly made by those who are uneducated about diabetes... Example: someone seeing a candy store and making a joke about getting Diabetes from just walking into it. SUGAR IS NOT THE CAUSE OF DIABETES. These types of uneducated jokes are not funny. They may seem funny in the moment but how would you feel if you had a chronic illness and someone was constantly throwing around jokes about it?


My Type 2 Diagnosis came in February 2016 after a lot of medical testing for an imbalance in my hormones and other factors that I wish not to disclose. I also have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS) which causes the imbalance in my hormones and contribute to my insulin resistance and Type 2 Diagnosis. Yes, my weight  could be considered a factor in both my PCOS and Diabetes Diagnosis' but these are also a contributing factor as to why it is even harder for me to loose weight no matter how active I am. I also eat a rather healthy diet with the occasional splurges we all do. I am quite lucky in the fact that I only have to take medication daily for my medication and I go in for check ups with my doctor every few months. I am constantly working on my diet and exercise regime. Diabetes is something I have but it does not define who I am.


From someone with Diabetes, someone who knows other with Diabetes.... Please educate yourself and others.


~Chrissy~


References:

1. American Diabetes Association
2. Mayo Clinic- Type 2 Diabetes

Themed Movie Nights

Recently a group of friends and I have started having regular movie nights. It started a few months ago and we have just continued it. Obviously October was the month of Scary Movies since it was Halloween. For November we have chosen to go with the theme of Food related Movies. Our first November movie night was last night and we decided on Julie and Julia. A true story based off of this woman Julie who was feeling down in a funk about her life and her career but absolutely looked up to Julia Child and decided to start a blog and to challenge herself to cook her way through Julia Child's cookbook, "Mastering the Art of French Cooking".

I absolutely adore this movie for more than one reason.

First, I love to cook and have been cooking since I was a child due to my father who has always been an on again off again chef with the hopes of opening his own restaurant. I remember the weekends my dad would rotate who he would bring into the restaurant with him while he did his morning prep and allow us to help do a bit of cooking. Those were some of the best pancakes I had ever tasted and still prefer my dads pancakes to this day. His love and passion for cooking rubbed off on me in the best possible way. I love coming up with new creations for foods and cooking the regular staples as well. I have an even bigger passion for baking, I always make the joke that I love to bake but don't want to keep any of it. Thus I bake the most during the holiday seasons so that I can give it all away as gifts to those I love and share the joy with those I don't. Another great aspect to my love of cooking is my friend who is going through Culinary classes and how well the two of us work together. The flow of ideas and not to mention the great food that we cook not only together but on our own as well. We constantly bounce ideas off of each other and are always looking for exciting new things to try. Cooking for me is great but I especially love to cook for others.

Second, the idea that this woman has gone on an adventure of her own to cook her way through Julia's book. I don't own this copy but I do have another one of Julia's books and I love just looking through it and in my head wanting to plan out a dinner party where I cook nothing but foods from her cookbook. I love cooking for large groups of people which is why I am usually the one in the kitchen during Thanksgiving and Christmas helping prepare the feast for my rather large family and extended family who choose to pop on by. For me cooking has always been a hobby that I enjoy as a stress relief. Baking is my form of procrastination from things I should be doing or an escape into a smell good world where all I am worried about is how yummy these treats will turn out.

I am excited for us to continue on our Themed Movie night adventure this month. One of the next movies on our list is called, "Hundred Foot Journey". I am looking forward to watching this movie as well as any others we choose to watch as a group or ones I may slip in when I have the free time.

Until next time readers, Eat well, Be Happy & Love Life!!

Xo ~ Chef Chrissy

Fear(Less) - Feel all the Feels

"In the End... We only regret the chances we didn't take, the relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make." ~ Lewis Carroll

On Sunday August 6th I hit my 4 year anniversary mark for my job. The last 4 years have helped me grow as a person and as a professional. The last 4 years have also caused me stress and sleepless nights, tears of both Joy and Sadness. The bonds we make with people can leave an impression for a lifetime. Working with the elderly wasn't where I thought I would be if you asked me what my plans were 5 years ago. I didn't expect to be living in Santa Cruz right by the Ocean and creating all the memories that I have.... This brings me to the Fear(Less) part that I must now conquer within myself. I Love aspects of my job; the owner of the company, my office coworkers, my clients & some of my care staff. What I don't love is the stress that comes along with this position and while it has been less then before it is still there and eating away at me. While I am very thankful to my boss for taking a chance on me 4 years ago an allowing me to help build up this business, it is now time for me to look at moving on. I need a position that will truly allow me to grow within the company and offer me a bit more financial freedoms.

One of my amazing coworkers who I fondly refer to as "Mama Bear" (because she is just that), encourages me everyday in every way that I deserve the best. I also have a cousin who recently reminded me that I need to get uncomfortable and truly pursue finding a career that will make me happy and fulfilled in every way.  So here is to the start of my next journey, the new chapter in my book and life.

I was listening to spotify the other day and this song Fearless came on and I just loved it. It reminded me that no matter what I cannot give up, I have the spirit of a fighter and even traveling into the unknown I want to be Fear(Less).

FEARLESS

Jasmine 

I wake up I feel it

Those fears are back again

Can't shake them can't make them

Ever fade ever end

Am I good enough do I measure up

Feels like a war I can't win

But I wasn't given the spirit of fear

I was given the power of love

Everything I've been fighting against

I'm gonna lift it up

I wanna be fearless

No holding back no backing down

Fearless

Because I believe you're with me now

Bring on the unknown

Lead me and I'll go

Come set me free

God, I want to be

Fearless (I want to be)

Fearless (I want to be)

These mountains these giants

Will fall at a single word

In your name in your strength

I'm more than a conqueror

I wasn't given the spirit of fear

I was given the power of love

Everything I've been fighting against

I'm gonna lift it up

I wanna be fearless

No holding back no backing down

Fearless

Because I believe you're with me now

Bring on the unknown

Lead me and I'll go

Come set me free

God, I want to be

Fearless (I want to be)

Fearless (I want to be)

I won't be afraid

I won't be afraid

I'll call on your name

I'll walk out in faith

I won't be afraid

I won't be afraid

I'll call on your name

I'll walk out in faith

I won't be afraid

I won't be afraid

I'll call on your name

I'll walk out in faith

I wanna be fearless

No holding back no backing down

Fearless

Because I believe you're with me now

Bring on the unknown

Lead me and I'll go

You set me free

God, I want to be fearless (I want to be)

Fearless (I want to be) fearless

I wanna be fearless

~Chrissy~ 

Hiking - Shark Fin Cove

Today I went on an Adventure.... BY MYSELF!! It felt so Amazing to get out of my comfort zone and explore on my own. My cousin came to visit me a while ago and had gone up to Shark Fin Cove on the recommendation from a friend. I've lived here for 4 years and I can't believe I had never been up there.

The Hike along the coast between Shark Fin Cove and Davenport Beach was Beautiful. I found a great little nook down the side of the cliff to have some lunch.

I always have a fear of going places alone. I feel like I am being judged or watched because its just me. Today that all changed for me when I made the decision to go explore by myself. I have always been drawn to the Ocean, the sound of the waves crashing in the peacefulness that I feel when I am near the Ocean. I had the chance to walk, sit, stand, reflect and connect with Me! 

A Beautiful Day for a Beautiful Hike and some Self Love and Exploration! 

~Chrissy~ 

Struggling

This past weekend I saw some photos of myself that truly made me just want to break down and cry. Struggling with my weight and it isn't getting any easier for me. I eat healthy, I do exercise (could do more) and yet nothing seems to be working. My medical issues come into play when I think about my weight and it has just been killing me these last few months. I am trying to Breath and work through it but there are days I just want to hide away and break down crying. This too shall pass, but when?


~Struggling~